Being a guy, and also being even less sentimental than most guys are, I am perhaps not the right person to offer advice on how a girl should handle ‘bad boys’ (we’ll get to the definition bit later), or what to think of them, or how to think about them, or where to place them in their lives. So take the following piece (not of advice, really; just a piece) as an outsider’s perspective on things that might be riling your mind, if the guy you are interested in, or you are with, feels something of a stone-hearted, cold fellow. And there! That works well for a working definition of a ‘bad boy’ for our purpose — a rather cold-hearted, emotionally distant man (or an SOB, if you’re fuming). And by some accounts, I may fit the definition, I suspect and fear (and wonder).
So let’s start with how you feel. Does your subconscious — or your conscious mind, for that matter — keeps badgering you with such questions: Is he the one? Isn’t he? How do I know if he is or is not? What do I do to get to know it? What are the indications that I have landed the one I can be with for the rest of my life? If yes, chances are you are overthinking long before it’s time to delve into such stuff. The worst thing people do in a relationship is drive a fledgling friendship into the ground by acute overthinking that makes a relationship more work than a safe place of comfort.
While it might feel like it’s a difficult thing to figure out at first, it really isn’t as long as you are looking for the telltale signs in the right places. Men, as the cliche goes, do not want everything in one woman, unlike women in men; they often want just one thing from all women. We all know what it is. So I would move on.
Be just a little more watchful than you are, and the story in the background would unfold and reveal itself to you. Still confused? Alright. Let me lend a helping hand even though I am really not someone who can talk of ‘love’, whatever that means, intelligently, which is mainly because it means so many different things to so many different people. But relationships are real things, and they can indeed be talked about and explained in terms of why they work and why they don’t, where and when they don’t.
So you have a commitment-phobic bad boy on your hands and you don’t know how to figure him out? But deep down in your heart you feel that despite all the girls in the past, this time he would commit because he is with a remarkably different girl – you. Confidence is good, and to think of oneself as unique is pretty good, too, and also quite accurate in most cases. But here is an eye-opener: even if you are the god-sent gift to the planet with a heart of platinum filled with oceans of love and care, the guy may still walk away, leaving you heartbroken. So, you need to watch out for yourself.
The Indicators
Does he often tell you about how every single one of his past girlfriends has been scheming dark ladies with evil designs on him? That’s not a good sign because he is trying to pass the entire blame on someone else, and the other side is not even there to defend herself. Besides, badmouthing someone behind their back is not an admirable trait anyway.
Think of the one thing that you know for sure, which is that the only thing really common to all his past relationships is he. Relationships may fail for a variety of reasons, and usually, the blame goes both ways because a relationship fails when two people involved fail to make it work. So while the blame might rest with one person more than the other, generally, it’s both parties that must shoulder the blame, even if unequally. In such a case, unless something miraculous comes to pass, you are most likely going to be another stop in his life.
Romance is different from affection and manifests differently. So going to places with greater privacy often is perfectly fine during the initial phase, but if he consistently takes you to secluded places and insists on having as much privacy as possible when you meet, it might not always be a good sign. It might mean that he doesn’t want to be seen with you, or his main interest is physical intimacy, which is perfectly fine as long as it is your main interest, too. But if you want some kind of permanent, formal arrangement to emerge from it, this might not be the right place for you to look for it.
Furthermore, avoiding public places could be a sign that he doesn’t want people to see you two as a couple. That’s fine initially because different people take different spans of time to become comfortable with the idea of a relationship with someone. But if he keeps on with the same behaviour for a long time, it might be time for you to recalibrate your expectations. A guy who is open about the nature of the relationship is a safer bet, while vague labels like “close friend” or “special friend” are often used to shirk commitment and sidestep accountability. However, they also work towards keeping the relationship easygoing for the time when it’s taking shape. So don’t be too quick to jump to conclusions.
He is not consistent. He would talk endlessly on text or phone one day and go silent thereafter. He would come to meet and spend hours with you, and then not respond to even a text for an entire day, nor take your calls, and would pretty much disappear for days on end. And that, understandably, leaves you perplexed. It’s most likely the sign of fleeting interest, and the guy may not ever commit to you, if that’s what you are looking for.
Read him right first
Not all non-committal guys are necessarily commitment-phobic; some take time to come around, while others don’t see themselves fit for a committed arrangement. And then there are those who just don’t want to be tied down, simple as that. Just a matter of life choices. But if you rush to conclusions too soon, you might have failed to give yourself time to understand that he was just taking time. Guys don’t always have immediate clarity regarding what they want from a relationship, or if they want one at all. Figure what kind of a guy you have on your hands before chiselling your expectations of him accordingly. You might stick with him for some time, if you enjoy the company; or move on quick, if you want to invest your time elsewhere. Up to you.
Don’t make him a project
You find a guy you like. You see he doesn’t want to commit. You think that’s because he needs to be tailored for the world. And you go to him with your scissors and needle to cut and sew him to fit the world (your world) the best. And then you fail, or succeed. But even if you ‘succeed’, you might eventually fail, if you have picked the wrong material for your project. Quit before it’s too late for you in terms of emotional investment, not to mention the guy would forever hate you for trying to manipulate him. And rest assured, what you do to resize him to fit your world would look like manipulation to him in hindsight, your kindhearted intent notwithstanding.
Leave or stay?
It’s really hard to offer advice in that respect, honestly speaking. That’s because it depends heavily on what kind of a person you are and how emotionally involved you are with the person. But you must break off, if the guy has played you like a fiddle to get you into a relationship with him only to lose interest later, unless, of course, you see your contribution in his distancing himself from you later. You might have expressed too many expectations too soon, and that might have scared him off. But if you have done nothing except consistently being your sweet self, and he still lost interest in you, he might have either read the strength of his feelings for you wrong, to give him the benefit of the doubt, or he might have simply been a player, and there is no dearth of that kind of guys.
Here is the question you need to ask. Has he been dishonest about his interest in you, or did he make a mistake about it? To put it differently, did he play you, or did he make a mistake regarding how he felt about you? In either case, you must distance yourself but not without knowing because the answer may have very different psychological consequences for your self-image.
If you have been played, the best way to respond to it is: Take the lesson, and move on. Hate the guy for it, if you like. Or not because harbouring hatred is not good for the heart, literally.
If he was mistaken about his own feelings, let it slide (anybody can make a mistake), and move on.
But there is a third reason. You might have expected a little too much without figuring out if he was really ready to give as much. And in that case, the lesson is different. You picked the wrong guy. Next time, make sure that your expectations align with what the guy is prepared to give, and then move ahead with making emotional investments.
Originally published on Medium on August 10, 2025.
