Those who know me would find it extremely difficult to believe that I, of all people, am offering advice on how not to offend people, considering that over the years, I have made offending others an art form of sorts. But probably that’s what makes me the fittest person to advise others on how not to do what I keep doing so effortlessly all the time.
If I know how not to, why do I keep offending others, you might ask.
A Personal Take First
That’s because the advice I am in the process of offering here is for those who tend to offend others without meaning to. That’s a problem. In my case, it’s not the case because when I don’t mean to offend others, I manage not to. And it’s not very hard for me.
So when I want to not offend, I just elect to keep quiet, or mumble something inoffensive that’s clearly not an input of any kind, indicating that I do not want to speak my mind clearly. My advice: take that and leave. But sometimes people are not satisfied with it, and want something substantial.
So, if and when prodded in that respect, I first hold out a warning regarding the potentially offensive speech one might get sprayed with, in which case, it’s not my responsibility when that happens. I can only offer either inoffensive mumbo-jumbo or an honest opinion, not both in cases where I do not outright speak my mind (this obviously excludes cases where my honest opinion is inoffensive anyway).
Now, it’s hard to wordlessly offend, even though, with practice, you can master the technique of doing that, too. There is an art to that, too. But you probably do not want to do that. That’s why you are reading this article in the first place, I suppose. Let’s cut to the chase then.
Here Are Some Preliminary (Over)Sharing First
First and foremost, stay away from touchy people. These are most those who have brittle egos, likely to be threatened by anything they do not agree with. They find it difficult to separate their views from their self-worth. Anything that threatens their views appears to challenge their existence on the planet as well. So in defending their views, they are sort of defending their existence.
A more important question you might be asking yourself is: if these people are so constitutionally rickety, why do you keep finding yourself around them? Let me answer the question even though you know it yourself (just calling out your selfish innards here!). Because you are selfish and these people are useful in some ways — your boss, business partner, important client, investor… umm… wife(?). Don’t you worry. We have all been there and have done that. So relax, you are in good company.
But the abovementioned cases are where you have to be inoffensive and have to say things that you do not agree with. I try to stay away from such situations and people as far and as long as I can help it. And even if I am there, I try really hard to not say anything that they might disagree with, or respond to anything I really and truly disagree with. And frankly, I do not always succeed. That’s why I am asking you to not do what I can rarely help doing.
Now The Actual Tips!
Language comes first (right after avoiding people in the first place).
- Use inoffensive language & expressions
There is a reason why some words are offensive. They are supposed to be. They are designed to be. They are those words that, when heard in reference to the one spoken to, tell the one that the person is being spoken to contemptuously. Avoid those.
There are also references that can be offensive, like “people like you…”. If that expression is followed by something negative, the hearer is right in taking offense at it. But there is another thing. That particular expression also makes one feel like part of a group, and if your audience is the proud kind, they are likely to think of the group as a large one, and of themselves are correspondingly small. And these people don’t like being made to feel small. So while they would not outright object to it, they would feel rubbed the wrong way.
If you feel you have to express your disagreement or present a point that is, by necessary implication, contradicts what someone has just said or implied, make it sound like you want the other side to consider an alternative viewpoint. So, lead with “don’t you think….?”, or “people also say…” and present what you have in mind.
Since it doesn’t seem to be a contradiction coming from your side, even if it’s offensive, the person you are speaking to is hardly going to hold it against you. At best (or worst), he is going to feel uneasy with the nameless, faceless others who have given you the offensive impression.
He/she might want to disabuse you of the faulty notion. You would then have an option to present another point the same way as before, or simply to bow out of the conversation with a polite nod of understanding. No harm, no foul.
2. Avoid touchy topics
There are some topics that are touchy in themselves and you cannot help taking sides on it, or seem like you are taking one, no matter how hard you try to sit on the fence. To put it differently, in such cases, there is hardly a fence to sit on by the very nature of the topic itself, or the way the issue is framed. These are often issues relating to religion, race, and political belief, particularly in an ideologically divided polity, like the US, and, increasingly, India.
There is no way you speak something and don’t sound like you are taking a liberal or a conservative viewpoint, no matter how well-reasoned your opinion is. It’s best to sidestep the discussion itself.
Walk to get the drink, or get a refill, or replace the drink because you suddenly realized virgin mojito is no longer your drink, or, alternatively, you decided to give up drinking alcohol right at that moment, or whiskey would do your liver more good than vodka.
Whatever it takes, give it a pause and return to the person, if you have to, speaking about the attractive woman at the bar, or a past or future game, or how you like turquoise better than cyan (even if you don’t have the first idea if they are colours or fruits).
The point is, do anything except return to the topic with a different drink in hand, defeating the very purpose of getting that drink (respect the drink, at least).
3. Speak less, ask more
You cannot offend as long as you are the asker, because one cannot be offended by one’s own answer. Just be careful about the kind of questions you ask and the way you put them. Open questions work best. For instance, ‘what colour you like?’ is a better question than ‘you hate red, don’t you?’. Okay, that was lame. Different question, then.
“What do you think about Player X playing for Team Y?” Most likely, the fellow will come up with a detailed response and back his or her opinion with elaborate reasoning. That should pass a great deal of time. Keep nodding, and listening, and maybe you’ll even pick a cue for your next question, or get material to frame the same question better for a different audience.
The best thing is: as long as he or she speaks, you are in no danger of offending the person (except if you nod wrong or at the wrong time or thing; so do listen before you nod). The other advantage is that you are also training your listening muscles, which is always a good thing.
The moment he/she is done with the answer, you can fire another question, either from the same discussion or about an altogether different topic. The person would feel valued because you would seem interested in his/her opinion, even if you are not. This works best for those people who identify too closely with viewpoints, and find it difficult to not take offense of an opinion contrary to theirs. They would value you more simply because you appeared to be interested in their opinion. A note of caution: don’t use it on people who are sharp, for they can detect fake interest a mile ahead. And with such people, the device can be hugely counterproductive. You might end up making enemies of such people.
4. Avoid personal questions
If you are not close, avoid asking too many personal questions. Nobody likes a nosy gossiper. And yes, if you are too nosy, people would take you for a gossiper because that’s a stereotype that keeps getting reinforced all the time. The general impression is, those who ask too much also share too much. Avoid making such impressions.
That’s not to say you cannot ask about where someone lives and what someone does. Hold back on the marriage question for later. And hold back longer the girlfriend/boyfriend question, even longer if the marriage question has been answered in the affirmative. It would be awfully rude to casually imply that somebody is cheating on his/her spouse. But once the marriage question has been answered with a ‘yes’, the children question is fair game.
Some people open better and sooner than others. Wait for the time when you are close enough to ask such questions. You would know when. That’s not hard.
5. Never imply dishonesty
Never suggest that someone is lying or is not telling what happened accurately, especially if you do not know the person extremely well. People can be very sensitive to it. That’s because when people share something, they are telling the truth and want you to take it as such, except when they are kidding, which is not hard to figure out. So do not go around casually asking ‘did it really happen, or are you making it up?’, or ‘that can’t be true’, or even ‘really?’ (except when it’s an expression of surprise rather than a question).
If what has been told is very surprising, just say it is surprising and incredible. But do not imply dishonesty because, as a matter of fact, a lot of strange things have actually happened, and for all you know, the person could be telling you the absolute truth, no matter how incredible.
Those are a few things you can do to avoid offending people from the top of my head. There can be others, too. As soon as they come to my mind, I’ll be back with the second part of this article. That’s it for now. Bye!